What Would Ellen Do?

Today my friend and I missed a tutorial because we could not find it. It was like the opening credits of Johnny English…(Johnny English Opening Credits)… walking around the same halls over and over again but never quite getting where you need to be.

This place is full of lies and deception. We asked many people where to find our room and nobody told the truth. Or perhaps some of them did but we just didn’t quite comprehend. It was a nightmare. When we got to what we thought was the correct room we opened the door and it was dark and empty. There was somebody else waiting there too but she was waiting for another class – so we left and kept searching.

About 15 minutes later we thought we had finally found the room, but it was the same one as before. This time there was a staff member in the class who looked very surprised to see us. I’m not sure what she was up to on her laptop but the look on her face when we walked in indicated that she really didn’t want any visitors.

By the time we finally found the room we were looking for we realised that we were half an hour late. We knew we would be late, and we easily could have just skipped it and left – but we needed some closure. We needed to really know once and for all where we were supposed to be. Now that we had arrived, and were standing outside the room, we had to decide whether or not to actually go in or not. If we went in, we would disrupt the class, annoy the tutor, and would have missed most of the lesson anyway. If we didn’t go in, we would miss out on things that may be difficult to catch up on.

It is at this point where I applied a theory that I find to be quite helpful in tricky situations like this. I call it the ‘What Would Ellen Degeneres Do?’ method.

This method becomes very handy when faced with trouble in uni; because you always know that if Ellen would do it, it is the right thing to do. So, after thinking about how Ellen would handle this should-I-stay-or-should-I-go scenario, and after asking a happy stranger what to do, it was decided that we would leave, and miss the tutorial.

Tutorials are a lot like classes in high school. My tutorials have about 10-20 people in each of them; as opposed to the lectures which for me usually have about 200+ They’re a good way to meet people and get to know others as group work is usually encouraged during the lessons. They are apparently quite important, and attendance usually correlates with how well people do in each class – according to the tutors. So I do feel bad about missing mine today, especially after the long journey to find it, but it was for the benefit of the rest of the class’ concentration, it is what Ellen would have done.

Well, that was a long and probably unnecessary paragraph and I’m sorry. But oh well, you’ve read it now. Anyway, we all have different ways of taking notes. Don’t be afraid to use your own style when trying to learn stuff.. sometimes writing down every single word the lecturer says doesn’t work, so I have my own method which works surprisingly well for me. Here are my notes from my latest sexual history lecture:

History 102 | Sexual Histories 12/03
Early Christianity

Jesus and Christians and sex and stuff. Yeah.

Origen cut his clock off. Oh not wait, just the halls.

So yeah at around 430CE the church was all like dude no sex what the truck get married first and make some babies. If not the church was like oh hellll no, you gettin’ condemned.

Jesus wasn’t interested in sex.

“Yeah… it’s alright I guess”
– Jesus of Nazareth

“Poverty is cooler than sex, to be honest.”
– Jesus of Nazareth

“No homo, guys, no homo.”
– The Bible

“Yeah, hookers, sure.”
– Jesus

The Judgment Day was coming and everyone had to prepare their bodies.

Marriage is okaaaay with Christians… if you’re corny. But if not just don’t get married and don’t have sex… even with yourself.

Jewish people like marriage.

“Yeah, marriage, yeah!”
– A Rabbi

God likes to repeat his sentences. He wants the Earth to be full of multiplication. He is not a fan of division, though. A family member of God went on to create mathematics.

Essenes – a group of guys who did nothing.

“Don’t eat lots, drink lots, talk loud or have lots of sex. Think about your health.”
– Seneca (4BCE-65CE)

“Virginity is best. I’ll accept marriage but it really isn’t that good. And sex is just spit.”
– Albrecht Durer, St Jerome (1521)

Bold words are substitutes for other, less appropriate for this blog words

So as O-Week finished off last week we had the big concert, led by The Naked and Famous. I was lucky enough to have a VIP pass for the event, allowing me to go backstage and talk to the band. Two of us bloggers had these passes; Cameron, and myself, but we never found each other so we each went backstage on our own.

I went back there with no idea what the atmosphere would be like. I was scared that the band would be pretentious and ignorant. As I walked through the big tent into the VIP area I realised I was the only one there.  I was very tempted to steal a Heineken from the table where the MCs were based while they were on stage, but I thought maybe that would be a bad start if I wanted to talk to these guys. I walked around behind the stage for a while wondering where everybody was, and then I realised there was a second big tent. I was sure that this would be where the bands were but I was scared to go in. But then I decided to embrace the Tommy Pickles in me and pretended it was a big adventure. I went in.

The band were staring at me, looking very confused. I was confused, they were confused, and we were probably all intoxicated (well I hope they were too). I said “oh hey guys… I’m Michael. Uhhh so yeah… I’m uhh… I’m supposed to be talking to you guys and writing about it and stuff… sooo yep.” They just kind of stared at me. It was awkward and uncomfortable and I wanted to leave. But I didn’t. I continued to speak… “So which one of you is the bassist?” They pointed at the bassist; I don’t think they were happy that I didn’t know who was who… “Oh hey man… I think we were at the same party a few weeks back.” I said.

WHY did I even say that? That doesn’t really spark any conversation. We didn’t meet at the party. The party had no significance. It was just a useless statement. He mumbled a response and I smiled and said “Yeah.” Then the band’s tour manager approached me and said he hadn’t heard about me, or anybody else, coming to talk to the band. I told him I was just as confused as he was and he then told me it wasn’t a good time so I walked away.

It was an interesting experience. If I had to find some meaning or message in this story I suppose it would be that uni will throw lots of great opportunities at you… just try not to be awkward and drunk when they do.

I’ve always known that I work much better when I am interested in what I’m doing. The papers I’m taking right now are fantastic, and they’re all quite similar to one another. It’s really important to choose things that you are interested in. Also, it’s good to try new things. I’ve never done anything like Anthropology and at the moment it’s my favourite part of uni – and something I can imagine myself pursuing in the future. You see when I was younger I had a very different idea of what I wanted to be in life. I’ve wanted to be an actor, an author, a presenter on What Now and a stunt double… but I never thought I would get into anthropology. So it’s pretty cool to try something new and learn that you love it.

If you have questions about my papers you can ask in the comments. I’m taking Sexual Histories, Human Cultures, Cultural Studies and Societies and Questions of Race and Racism.



3 Responses to “What Would Ellen Do?”

  • Your notes are brilliant. You should come to my lectures and teach me how to make them, I’m hopeless at it.

    Also, nice censorship. And nice blog. It’s very good reading :)

  • haha of course! It’s actually surprisingly useful.

    Thank you! Yes I felt the censorship was definitely necessary. Looking forward to yours in a couple of days :)

  • Hahaha laughed most of the way through this. Awesome man.

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