Colleagues in conflict? How to defuse workplace disagreements

1. Focus on the problem, not the person

When tensions rise, it’s easy to see your colleague as the obstacle. Resist this urge. Instead of saying “you’re making this difficult”, try “it seems like we have different priorities here. Let’s work this out”.

This simple reframe shifts the conversation from confrontation to collaborative problem solving. Remember: your shared goal is to resolve the disagreement and move forward, not to win an argument against the other.

2. Listen to understand, not to respond

We’ve all nodded while actually preparing our rebuttal. Active listening means temporarily setting aside your perspective to grasp someone else’s. Try demonstrating that you understand their perspective: “I agree this situation is frustrating. Am I right in saying that your main concern is the timeline, not the budget?”

And, do your best to keep an open mind while challenging any assumptions you have going into the conversation. Ask questions from a place of genuine curiosity: “Tell me more about why that approach matters to you.” This validation doesn’t mean you agree, but it shows respect and often reveals possibilities neither of you initially saw.

3. Uncover interests, don’t battle over positions

Two people fighting over an orange might each demand the whole fruit. The compromise seems obvious – cut it in half. But what if one person needs only the peel for a cake, while the other wants the juice?

By exploring why each person wants the orange, both can get 100 percent of what they need. When colleagues stake out opposing positions, enquire into their interests: “Tell me more about why you’re seeking this.” It’s more effective than “Do you seriously think they can agree to that?” You’ll be surprised how this insight reveals the compatible interests behind competing demands.

4. Acknowledge emotions, but don’t let them take over

Workplace disagreements trigger real feelings – frustration, defensiveness, even anger. Acknowledge these emotions, but don’t let them hijack the conversation. If tensions escalate, suggest a pause: “I want to give this the attention it deserves. Can we take five and come back to it?”

Pro tip: if you feel anxious before a difficult conversation, tell yourself you’re excited instead. The physiological responses are similar, and this reframe can transform nervous energy into productive engagement.

5. Choose the right channel for the conversation

That heated reply-all email thread? It’s making things worse. Complex disagreements need the nuance of face-to-face or video conversation, where tone and body language provide crucial context.

Timing matters too – nobody makes good decisions when rushing to meet a deadline or heading out the door on a Friday afternoon. Schedule a dedicated time and place where both parties can focus without pressure.

6. Prepare, but stay flexible

Before addressing a workplace disagreement, take the time to clarify your thoughts. What’s the core issue? What outcome are you hoping for? What might the other person be concerned about? This isn’t about scripting the conversation; it’s about understanding key facts and perspectives, and anticipating potential roadblocks.

Walking in prepared boosts your confidence and increases the chances of finding common ground, especially when the conversation takes unexpected turns.

7. Invest in relationships before problems arise

The best time to prevent a disagreement from becoming toxic? Long before it happens. Strong workplace relationships create a buffer of goodwill that helps colleagues navigate conflicts constructively.

Small actions – acknowledging contributions, offering help before it’s asked for – create a foundation of mutual respect. If disagreement arises, trust shifts the focus from blame to problem solving. People are more likely to work with you, not against you, when they feel valued.

Andrew Patterson is a deputy dean and professional teaching fellow at the Auckland Business School, where he teaches conflict resolution and negotiation as part of the MBA and Master of Information Governance programmes.